As we all walk through life we can make a real choice over the depth of connections we make with people and the true impact we leave behind.
The depth of connection we make with other human beings can almost solely be linked to how vulnerable we chose to be ourselves. Brene Brown, an American scholar (if you followed my old blog someone who I have referenced before), researched the concept of vulnerability. She relates it beautifully to how it makes connection with others by being our imperfect selves.
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.
So as my life unfolded in my late 20s I had no choice but to be vulnerable. I had to rely on others, I had to ask for help. I had my second son and found myself very alone. I didn’t have enough access to money to raise both my children and I found myself 10 weeks post bub still bleeding and falling prey to continual infections. I was prepared for surgery for retained placenta and didn’t have a husband to look after my newborn so had no choice but to ask for help.
I went to hospital and surgery alone, my family is light on in terms of hands to go round, and woke up from my D&C (curette) by myself and an utter wreck. All I did was sob and sob and sob. I had to sob to nurses and strangers that had no idea what secrets I was hiding and what heartbreak I felt. It was horrible but at this moment I realised people cared. People would hold your hand. People would hug you or pick up your child. All you have to do is show them you need a friend or help. From this point I have tried to be vulnerable, I have shared parts of my life I never ever thought I would reveal and done it mainly in the vain of helping others, not really help for myself.
Our world lacks compassion, it lacks god dam empathy for what others are going through. People rush to their next appointment and don’t bother taking the time to build human connection.
I have 110% failed, I have made the wrong decisions and have obviously made poor judgements throughout the last couple of years. Even so much so – a judgement call I made has ended up in a costly litigation. One more area of the law I didn’t expect to know so well 🙄🙄
I accept that with having a blog and being active on social media that I am going to be open to criticism and judgement. This was a major reason why I stopped writing my blog previously. I was in a dark place as I watched my once husband move on, I felt like I had drawn the short straw in raising two sons on my own and no matter how many said it at the time, I couldn’t see the blessing that it was. So it came out in my writing – I shared feelings that perhaps others weren’t comfortable with. So I stopped as I felt that judgement wide and far. I lived with regret with some things for a while and shame but I guess that’s all part of learning who we are really and finding our feet in life.
So now I as I return to my writing – I come across it from a different perspective. I vow to turn my pain into passion, I vow to use my story to help others, I vow to be vulnerable in my life now as I no longer feel scared. I want to be courageous and brave and more importantly help others.
This time round – I have two stints in the crazy house, two out patient long term therapy sessions (once a week over 26 weeks), remain medicated for anxiety, shed too many bloody tears to count, had my personal life hung out to dry by a barrister and been faced with more bullying in this life than you would care to imagine.
Resilience is not taught from a book or an easy life – it’s learnt from hardship and adversity – that’s one thing I am sure of!
So my hopes for my blog are to share the highs and lows of mothering, the real parts to our justice system, to help just one women deal with or recover from violence (any kind), share my passions like fitness, food and home decor and enjoy and capture as many moments as I can with my sons.
I am not held back being a mother – I found my feet, it’s forced me to find strength when I didn’t think I had anymore, forced me to stand up for us all and most importantly forced me to be vulnerable.
Motherhood has held my arse up and dragged me down the path to live my best life – even if sometimes I have been wearing snot, vomit and perhaps sh*t stains whilst I stagger down the path.
Do you try to be vulnerable or do you hold yourself back?
Let yourself go with someone you feel safe with and see what comes – you might just be surprised!