The bullied or the bully?

This discussion goes to chat about life after bullying/harrassment/abuse/violence or whatever name you want to put on a perpetual and habitual break down of a persons boundaries, self esteem, safety and comfort at the hands of another.

So if you have experienced any of the above you may have stumbled across this concept throughout your healing process of understanding that the perpetrator was perhaps a victim, doesn’t understand the affects of their behaviour or even try to feel sorry for them as they must be in so much internal pain, suffering and be a broken person to do what they do………

Well I call bullshit – I don’t give a flying fuck whether they are more broken than a chinaware shop after a bull has been through – that does not give a person the right to go through life and be an arsehole! We all have our little ‘broken’ pieces, the parts of us that has caused pain and heartache, a childhood that might not have been perfect perhaps but I see that as the fundamental difference between strength and weakness. It’s not that you may have fallen in heap, reacted like a tosser, even drank yourself into the ground or used other substances to get through it…..

what shows your strength of character is whether you have used life’s hardships and still wake up and be a decent human being to others.

The weak chose to live of a life of hurting others to relieve their own pain.

What I also don’t like about this concept is that it places the responsibility on the victim to somehow find an excuse for the bad behaviour – it places no responsibility onto the perpetrators whatsoever. The only responsibility a victim has is to themselves – to wake up each day and do everything they can to remind themselves why they are dam right fucking fabulous, to find a way not to hate the person who hurt them or at least find a life without bitterness – that’s a challenge in itself and victims sure as shit don’t need to be feeling sorry for the people that hurt them.

Perhaps it’s just me but I just found this one concept a difficult one to jump over. Feeling sorrow for someone who has caused another so much pain has the implication that the perpetrators are aware of the consequences of their behaviour – nine times out of ten I would say these personality types are not truly capable of that and certainly don’t generally feel remorse for their antics.

‘Recovery’ for lack of a better word…. I don’t know that you ever fully recover from someone systemically destroying your self esteem but you do move on. You find a new way to conduct yourself, you find new perspectives, new relationships, you let people in slowly who you can trust but it can be a case of one step forward, two steps back sometimes. Only my now fiancé, ooooooo so fancay, and two close girlfriends know of a recent circumstance where I was in a situation that triggered my flight or fight response and a huge trauma trigger – I totally melted down, almost inconsolable and in crisis. It felt so heartbreaking but in the end it’s all just part of the healing process and learning who I am and rebuilding myself.

So this may be a concept that works for you – seeing sorrow and pain in the person that hurt you – but just know that if it doesn’t work for you – it doesn’t for me either so you are not alone and I think fundamentally that’s more important than anything. Reduce the stigma, speak out, tell your story, raise awareness, reduce the shame around healing and teach people that acceptance and understanding goes a long way in the recovery process.

Much love,

MM

1 Comment

  1. Mez, Totally agree with you. Once you open your eyes and see these perps for what they are (without excuses) you become stronger, tolerate less and appreciate the goodness in the people around you. I always believed feeling sorry for the perps was a condition directly resulting from the abuse and not from anything else. Love this blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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